I APOLOGISE IN ADVANCE if you're reading this while eating your cornflakes, however I could just be about to save your life.
I was standing naked from the waist down earlier this week, having a conversation with a nurse about Dennis Hopper's sad passing. I must admit I was struggling to act in a relaxed manner, conscious that if I looked like I was concealing something, she'd be extra observant while examining me; a little like a customs officer studying peoples body language at an airport.
I tried to act relaxed as she explained how "thanks to the Jade Goody effect" people had been visiting their doctor to have every conceivable lump or bump examined. I found it difficult to concentrate on what she was saying, while standing with my wedding tackle on display, willing her to get on with the procedure; and get my boxer shorts back on.
"I'm hoping Dennis Hopper dying will do for men, what Jade did for woman" she said, clearly not bothered in the slightest that I was 'ready' for her. "Everyone's as nervous as hell, like the residents in New York after the 9/11 attacks" she continued.
Now I normally prefer the lights out and at minimum to be on first name terms with someone before getting intimate with them. I therefore thought she'd understand why I was being so abrupt and lacking in conversation. Eventually, the nurse whose name I'd forgotten the moment she'd introduced herself, issued a volley of instructions, like a Sergeant Major addressing people from the 'Royal Association for the Deaf'.
Before I knew it I found myself bent over a couch, while she dug around as if looking for gold or unblocking her bathroom sink. My initial worry was she'd lose her wedding ring, until I remembered seeing her putting gloves on earlier. Then without having time to admire the view of the various medical books in front of me, she announced "Everything appears fine."
I rapidly got dressed, pleased it was over and now aware how a chicken being stuffed must feel; not to mention relieved it hadn't hurt.
"If only more men got checked-out so many more lives could be saved", my new best friend told me as she washed her hands. I don't normally do stuff like this on my first date I wanted to joke, but knew she'd not laugh.
I was happy to listen now I was dressed, "If you have trouble starting to pee or need a pee more often than normal come and see me again." I gave a weary smile; 'dead' and 'body' sprung to mind.
As I slowly stepped backwards towards the door, doing a good impression of John Wayne, she continued telling me that "Prostate cancers grow slowly, but if detected early can be treated." I grinned and nodded, embarrassed now at the thought of what she'd just been doing to me.
As I picked my coat and car keys up, she enquired "Do you examine yourself regularly below" looking between my legs as if making sure I understood what she was asking. That was it; I turned on my heels and sprinted out the room.
So I'm urging all you men, once you've finished your cornflakes, go and book yourself an appointment; it might be embarrassing but it may just save your life.
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